Dear Prime Minister Trudeau,
I write, on behalf of the many friends and colleagues with whom I have discussed recent events, to apologize for the insults and idiocies foisted on you by Donald Trump. While there is no doubt that Mr. Trump won the electoral college vote for presidency of the United States, I wish to assure you that the vast majority of the good people of the United States are profoundly embarrassed to have to admit that he is the president of the United States.
With the exception of a small group of extremists, pretty much everyone in the United States would admit that Donald Trump is a poorly informed, self-absorbed boor and self-professed sexual predator. He has, for all of his life, insulted and degraded pretty much everyone he has met. As long as he was confined to dealing with others of his ilk, he was, in some sense, tolerable. As president of the United States, however, his conduct is a national embarrassment. I know that otherwise decent legislators of a certain conservative persuasion have allowed Mr. Trump’s disgusting comments and conducts to go uncondemned, apparently on the theory that he and his underlings have pursued policies in keeping with that certain persuasion. While we object to that past tolerance, we absolutely condemn his mistreatment of our closest friends and allies. We urge you and the citizens you represent to understand that this man does not represent the views of any Americans except those who somehow profit from his outrageous comments and conduct.
I beg you and your fellow citizens to understand that we the people of the United States respect and admire the land and the people of Canada. We are deeply grateful for, and will always remember, the endless contributions that your country have made to the peace and prosperity of our country. Donald Trump is the greatest electoral mistake the people of the United States have ever made. We will correct that mistake, in an orderly fashion, as soon as possible. In the meantime, we beg you and the good people of Canada to accept our apologies for making the egregious error of having elected the likes of Donald Trump. When we are finally rid of him, we hope that we will restore our treasured relation with you as our closest friends and allies.